“Who’s ready for 7 hours of commercial-free, non-stop football action?!” If you’re reading this, you know this is the Scott Hanson line that sets the table for the rest of your day. A day, an NFL Sunday to be specific, that will entail a whole lot of sitting, yelling at the TV, praying for more Yahoo Fantasy TD notifications, and questioning why you bet on a game involving the Tennessee Titans again. And to be clear, not all NFL Sundays are created equally. And to clarify further, not all Red Zone Sundays are created equally, which is the goal of this weekly blog. We’re going to rank every Red Zone slate of games before they happen. But, since Full Slate is nothing but original, ground-breaking content, we’re doing it in our own unique way.
As a DIRECTV Sunday Ticket person through and through (shout out to all displaced football fans like myself), I’ve always been an Andrew Siciliano guy. Nothing against Scott Hanson either – Andrew has just been my guy. And since we’re such close friends who spend hours together every weekend, I can talk about his defining fEARtures (lol you see what I did there): his ears. That’s how we’re going to do our weekly Red Zone rankings here on Full Slate: on a scale of 1-10 Siciliano ears. Alright, let’s get to it.
The Slate – Week 3
10 games in the 1pm slot! For any NFL fan, that sounds like a triple shot of espresso right to the face. I’d say 7/10 of these games will be entertaining in their own unique way.
- Saints @ Falcons -2: Classic NFC South rivalry game destined for a lot of points.
- Bengals @ Panthers -2.5: Are we sure (Bill Simmons voice) the Bengals are good? We’ll find out.
- Broncos @ Ravens -6: Not the sexiest matchups but I think one of these two teams are destined for a playoff spot in the AFC.
- Bills @ Vikings -16.5: This was our Tums Preview of the Week ! #shamelessplug
- Niners @ Chiefs -6: Mahomes v. Jimmy G – enough said.
- Colts @ Eagles -6.5: The return of the Wentz Wagon against Andrew Luck & Co. , who may actually not be bad?
- Packers @ Redskins +2.5: Battle of the two QBs selected in the first round of the 2005 NFL Draft.
At every concert, there’s a song that the artist starts playing and you immediately know it’s time for a bathroom / beer break (i.e., Allentown at a Billy Joel concert). Anytime these games show up on your TV today, you can think of them as Allentown.
- Titans @ Jaguars -10: Bathroom break
- Giants @ Texans -6: Run to your bodega for candy.
- Raiders @ Dolphins -3: Look up Frank Caliendo impersonations of Jon Gruden.
Now, don’t get me wrong. 10 games at one time is amazing, but it sets us up for a football hangover to set in during the 4pm slate. In my ideal world, the 1pm / 4pm split looks more like : 8 / 5 or even 7 / 6. This week’s 4pm slate gives us one great Redzone game.
- Chargers @ Rams -7: Battle of LA. Please be entertaining!!!
The other two games leave a bit to be desired but hey, it’s still better than no football!
- Bears @ Cardinals +6: Brainstorm what you should order for dinner from Seamless.
- Cowboys @ Seahawks -1: Shower? Or maybe just your first bathroom break since the Titans / Jaguars game.
Here is my proprietary algorithm for my Siciliano Ears Red Zone Rankings:
= ((1 * Entertaining Games) – (0.5 * Poop Games)) * (1+Weekly Multiplier)
FYI – weekly multiplier is a subjective ranking of how exciting this week’s slate is. 10 games at 1pm is certain to be electric although that hurts us later in the afternoon. I’ll give this week a multiplier of 35%. The multiplier will typically live between 0%-50%.
Here’s the math for Week 3:
= ((1*8) – (0.5*5)) * (1.35) = 7 Siciliano Ears!!!
Hope you enjoyed the first installment of the weekly Siciliano Ears Red Zone Rankings! Come back next week to hEAR my thoughts on Week 4! Ok, I’m done now.